A gym contract has become a prison sentence

…with no possibility of parole.  So my question is why have a gym membership contract?  Wouldn’t it save a lot of paper if they just tattooed each member with PROPERTY OF WOW! for LIFE?  A back sized tattoo would probably be a whole lot less painful than trying to get out of a contract! 

A few months ago I really hurt my wrist and was told to avoid the gym at all costs (more or less) little did I know how much avoiding the gym was going to cost a pretty penny.  For four months now I have been back and forth with WOW!s financial company ABC.  And even though they see I am trying to cancel (and have notes to prove it) they are still charging me.  And of course they don’t do anything faster than trying to make molasses move in winter. 

 I fax something over and then call to see if they received it “yep, everything looks fine,”  then I get a letter in a WEEK saying that everything is not fine and by the way you owe us more money for next month.  OK, I refax with the changes they request and when I call I make sure they actually read the documents..”this should fix it” they say.  Great!  Two weeks pass in a flash and I’m thinking I have finally canceled my membership when wouldn’t you know I get ANOTHER letter.  FREAKIN A!  Now instead of just a doctor’s note describing the injury, now all of a sudden the note needs to say I have a “substantial or permanent disability.”  Yet my contract said a doc’s note would suffice.  Maybe the whole  “substantial or permanent disability” small type was in invisible ink because it certainly is NOT in my contract.   And because ABC is technically a different entity I can’t get the satisfaction of going somewhere and yelling at someone, unless I want to fly to Podunk, OK.  Which at this point is sounding pretty good!!!!!! So now not only do I owe my membership fees but late fees as well because they drag their feet like they are in lead shoes. 

Just so you know, I called two days ago and Chevelle said she would take care of it and was super sweet.  Then the mail comes today…guess who I got a letter from?  ARGH

Just say NO to WOW!

Deodorant goes on BEFORE the gym

Gyms are not the most spacious of areas.  Usually, the treadmills and ellipticals are practically stacked on each other and the weight machines are so close to the neighbor they barely touch.  Personally, I value my personal bubble.  Yes, I am the girl that will look for an elliptical with one or two open on either side allowing me my personal space.  Unfortunately for me, that bubble is not impenetrable, especially by odor.  The boy in the bubble had the right idea with his own air supply!  Anyway, there I am sweating away at the gym and minding my own business when my Spidey senses go off.  A wisp of onion tinted body odor floats my way.

On the off chance that it was me, I take one of the secret sniffs.  You know the kind, when you bring up the collar of your T-shirt to wipe your face, but you are really checking to see if you are stinky.  It wasn’t me, I was Secret Shower Fresh, so I peer around.  No one to my left but to my right…5 machines down..was a guy with the fan pointed right at him.  And lucky me, I was down wind.  I was 3/4 of the way done so I wasn’t about to change machines. So I became a mouth breather.  For some reason the idea of the icky air going in my mouth was better than having to inhale the man’s stench, at least I could wash it out with some Crystal Light.

Now, I know some people may be allergic to deodorant/anti-perspirant, but there has to be an alternative.  Spray yourself with room spray, Febreeze, or keep dryer sheets in your armpits, do ANYTHING that will take the edge off of your personal fragrance while enhancing the air for the rest of us!  Because if you have ever shared space with a person with BO, you know those scent molecules become superglued to your nostrils and you are stuck with the smell for at least a couple of hours. 

Now I know this is touch to remember but the routine goes deodorant, clothes, gym, shower, deodorant….lather, rinse, repeat.

How was the gym?

I don’t really get how to answer this question.  And I have yet to find an answer that sounds right and normal. You can’t say that it is good because it isn’t supposed to be, the purpose of the gym is to kick your own flabby butt into shape. But then again you can’t say the gym was wonderfully masochistic, because you seem like a creepy porn freak.  And let’s face it there are plenty of creepy porn freaks out there, we don’t need to have more.  My usual answer is “sweaty” because I leave home dry and come home “sweaty.”  That seems like a pretty good fit, right?  But since I am a female, do I saw “glowing.”  Because if you ever had a grandmother and you are female you were told at least once that “girls don’t sweat, we glow.” Obviously that person never met me while I was working out. (That was probably a little too much info, huh?)  

Even if you dip into 90’s slang for some unknown reason and answer with “phat” people will think you are just obsessed with your weight and need to go talk to a professional whose name isn’t Ben OR Jerry. Speaking of being seen as a head case….never answer with “fine” because if you have ever seen the Italian Job you know it stands for: Freaked out Insecure Neurotic and Emotional.  Unless of course you are an in shape head case, then feel free to respond with fine

“Busy” might  serve as an appropriate response, but it has nothing to do with you interacting with the gym, you are just telling the inquisitive that it was stinky and it was hard to get a machine.  So here is my question to the masses….how was the gym?